Grand Mémère's Page
of
Elderly Humor

Bienvenue!

Look!  C'est moi!

Entrez vous! These are a few writings that bring a twinkle to my eye.  C'est tres cool, non?

I'm Living and not Among the Dead

Just a line to say I'm living,
that I'm not among the dead,
though I'm getting more forgetful
and mixed up within my head.

I got used to my arthritis,
to my dentures I'm resigned.
I can manage my bifocals,
but I sure do miss my mind.

For sometimes I can't remember
when at the foot of the stairs I stand,
if I must go up for something
or have just come down from there?

And, before the fridge so often,
my poor mind is filled with doubt,
Have I just put food away,
or have I come to take some out?

And, there are times when it is dark,
with my nightcap on my head,
I don't know if I'm retiring
or just getting out of bed.

So, if it's my turn to write you,
there's no need for getting sore--
I may think that I have written
and don't want to be a bore!

So remember that I love you
and wish that you were near,
but now it's nearly mail time,
so I must say "Good-bye, Dear."

PS: Here I stand beside the mailbox
with a face so very red ---
instead of mailing you my letter,
I have opened it instead!

Signs That You Are No Longer A Kid

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
You could read better if your arms were longer.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow *your* tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" mean.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.

STRANGE OLD LADY

A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is,where she came from,or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there and the next day she was.

She is a very clever old lady. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part but, whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror directly, to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing and completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is
very rude.

I have tried screaming at her to stop it but, she just screams back, grimacing horribly. She is really quite frightening!

If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay a little rent. But, no! Every once in a while I do find a dollar bill stuck into a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion but, that is not nearly enough.

In fact, I don't want to jump to conclusions but, I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw one hundred dollars and a few days later it is all gone. I certainly don't spend money that fast so I can only conclude that the old lady is pilfering from me.

You would think she would use some of that money to buy some wrinkle cream. God knows she needs it! And money isn't the only thing I think she is taking. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate too. Especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies, and candy. I just can't seem to keep that stuff in the house any more. She must really have a sweet tooth but, she better watch it because she is really packing on the pounds! I think she realizes that and to make herself feel better she is tampering with my scale to make me think that I am putting on weight too.

For an old lady, she really is quite childish though. She likes to play these really nasty games like going into my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so that they don't fit. Or messing with my files and papers so that I can't find them. This is particularly annoying since I am an extremely neat and
organized person. She fiddles with my VCR to make it not record what I have carefully and correctly programmed it to record.

She has found imaginative other ways to annoy me. She gets to my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and somehow blurs the print so badly that I can't see it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio, and telephone so that all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

She has done other things like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier, and all my knobs and faucets hard to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge. Further more, she gets to my groceries before I get them put away and applies super glue to the lids making it almost impossible for me to open them. Is this any way to repay my hospitality?

I don't even get any respite at night because more than once her snoring has awakened me. It is very unattractive! And as if that weren't bad enough, she is no longer confining her tactics to the house. She has found a way to sneak into my car and follow me everywhere I go. She has completely taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she tries on the same exact outfit and stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in the outfit and plus she keeps me from seeing how great it looks on me.

Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came with me to get my drivers license picture taken and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped right in front of me !! Who is going to believe that the picture of that old lady is me?

She is walking on very thin ice now and if she keeps this up, I swear I will have her put away! But then, on second thought, maybe I shouldn't be too hasty.I think I will check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent. Oh,oh, I wonder if she has beat me to that first because she is
always on my computer too.

Author Unknown

About the only thing that comes without effort is old age.

All About Age!

Age is a funny thing when you think about it ...

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in
fractions.  "How old are you?" . . . "I'm 4-1/2."  You're never 36-1/2 . . . You're 4-1/2 going on 5!

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number.   "How old are you?" . . . "I'm gonna be 16."  You could be 12 . . . but you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life happens . . . you become 21! But you see, even the words sounds like a ceremony.  You BECOME 21 . . .YES!!!!

But then you turn 30. Ooohhh! ... what happened there?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong??

What changed???  You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, now you're PUSHING 40.  "Stay over there . . . it's all slipping away."

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50. "My dreams are gone."

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and then you MAKE IT to 60.   "I didn't think I'd make it!"

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, You're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60. By then you build up so much speed . . .You HIT 70!!!

After that, it's a day by day thing.  After that you HIT Wednesday.  You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch.  And it doesn't end there ...

Into the 90's, you start going backwards . . ."I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens . . . if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.   "I'm 100 and a half!!!"

Remember ... It's better to be over the hill than under it.

FRIVOLOUS OLD GAL

 
Remember, old folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.

I have become a little older now and a few changes have come into my life. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, WILL POWER helps me get out of bed. Then I go down the hall and see JOHN.

Next, CHARLIE HORSE comes along and takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves ARTHUR RITIS shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to relax with BEN GAY.

What a life! The preacher came to visit me the other day. He said, at my age, I should be thinking about "the hereafter."

I told him, "Oh, I do, all the time! No matter where I am ... in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement ... I ask myself, "NOW, WHAT AM I HERE AFTER?"

KEEP SMILING! The luscious plum forgot to .... and it became a prune.

DRINKING FROM MY SAUCER

I've never made a fortune
and it's probably too late now
But I don't worry about that much
I'm happy anyhow
As I go along life's journey
I'm reaping better than I sowed
I'm drinking from my saucer
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
Ain't got a lot of riches
Sometimes the goings get rough
But I got kids that love me
That makes me rich enough
I just thank God for His blessings
And the mercy He has Bestowed
I'm drinking from my saucer
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
I remember times when things went wrong
and my faith got a little thin
But then all at once the dark clouds broke
And the old sun broke through again
So Lord, help me not to gripe
About the tough rows I have hoed
I'm drinking from my saucer
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
If God gives me strength and courage
When the way gets steep and rough
I won't ask for other blessings
I'm already blessed enough
And may I never be too busy
To help another bear his load
Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

Author Unknown

I'm Fine - How are you?

There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

I think my is liver out of whack
and a terrible pain is in my back.
My hearing is poor, My sight is dim,
Most everything seems to be out of trim,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.
I'm practically living on aspirin
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

Old age is golden — I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.

The moral is, as the tale we unfold,
that for you and me who are growing old,
It's better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
than to let them know the shape we're in!

I Ain't Dead Yet

My hair is white and I'm almost blind
The days of my youth are far behind
My neck is stiff, I can't turn my head
Can't hear one half of what's being said.
My legs are wobbly, can't hardly walk
But glory be! I can surely talk!
And this is the message I want you to get,
I'm still akickin' and I ain't dead yet.

My joints are stiff, won't move in their sockets
And nary a dime is left in my pockets.
So maybe you think I'm a total wreck
To tell you the truth, I do look like heck!
But still I do have a lot of fun
Any my heart with joy is over-run
I've lots of friends so kind and so sweet
And still more that I'll never meet.

Oh this is a wonderful world of ours
Shade and sunshine and beautiful flowers
So you can take it from me, you bet,
I'm glad I'm living and I ain't dead yet!
I've got corns on my feet and ingrown nails
And do they hurt? Herein plain language fails.
To tell you my troubles would take too long
And if I tried, you'd give me the gong.

I go to Church and Sunday School
For I love the story that is ever new
And when I reach the end of my row
I hope to the lovely home I'll go
And then when I leave this house of clay,
If you'll listen close, I'm apt to say,
"Well, folks, I've left you, but don't you forget,
I've just passed over, and I ain't dead yet!".

You Know You Are Getting Older When ...


Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.

The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle-aged.

You join a health club and don't go.

Your mind makes contracts your body cannot meet.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You walk with your head held high, trying to get used to your bifocals.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is "Twenty-five Years Ago Today."

You turn out the lights for economic reasons instead of romantic ones.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 90 around the golf course.

You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

Dialing long distance tires you out.

You remember today that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.

"Happy Hour" is taking a nap.

The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.

You burn the midnight oil until after 9:00 p.m.

Your back goes out more often than you do.

You are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police.

You have everything you had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower.

You get your exercise acting as pallbearer for friends who exercise.

When tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.

You have too much room in your house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

My Face In The Mirror
Isn't Wrinkled Or Drawn
My House Isn't Dirty
The Cobwebs Are Gone
My Garden Looks Lovely
And So Does My Lawn
I Think I Might Never
Put My GLASSES Back On!

What A Difference Fifty Years Can Make!

A sure sign that you're getting "up there" is that you can remember
back when things were different . . . A  LOT  Different!

Consider some of the changes that we have witnessed!!!

We were born before the PILL.

We were born before television, penicillin, polio shots, antibiotics,
Frisbees, frozen foods, nylon, dacron, Xerox and contact lenses.

We were before radar, fluorescent lights, credit cards,
split atoms, laser beams, and ball-point pens.

For us, time-sharing meant togetherness ... not computers or
condominiums.   A "chip" meant a piece of wood, hardware
meant hardware, and software wasn't even a word!

In our time, closets were for clothes, not for "coming out of,"
and being gay meant you were happy and carefree.

In those days, bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were not Volkswagens.

We were before Batman, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and Snoopy.

We were before DDT, vitamin pills, disposable diapers,
Jeeps, and the Jefferson nickel.

We preceded Scotch Tape, the Grand Coulee Dam, M&M's,
automatic transmissions, and Lincoln Continentals.

When we were in school ... pizzas, Cheerios, frozen orange juice,
instant coffee and McDonald's were unheard of.  We thought
fast food was what you ate during Lent and Outer Space
was the back of the Riviera Theater.

We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters,
word processors, digital clocks, artificial hearts and
guys wearing earrings.

We were before pantyhose and drip-dry clothes, ice makers,
dishwashers, clothes dryers, freezers, electric blankets,
air conditioners and before Hawaii and Alaska became states.

We were before yogurt, Ann Landers, plastics, hair spray,
the forty-hour week and the minimum wage and before
man walked on the moon.

We got married first ...and then lived together afterward.
How quaint can you be?

In our day, cigarette smoking was fashionable, "grass" was mowed,
"coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something you cooked in,
"rock music" was a grandmother's lullaby and AIDS were
helpers in the Principal's office.

We were before coin-operated vending machines, jet planes,
helicopters, and interstate highways.  "Made in Japan" meant
junk and the term "making out" referred to how you did on your exam.

We were before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating,
dual careers, and computer marriages.  We were also before
day-care centers, group therapy and nursing homes.

We had fountain pens with bottles of real ink.  We had stockings
made of real silk with seams up the back that were never straight.
We had saddle shoes and cars with rumble seats.  We had
corner ice-cream parlors with little tables and wire-back
chairs where we had a choice of three flavors.

We hit the scene when there were 5-cent and 10-cent stores where
you bought things for five and ten cents.  You could buy ice
cream cones for a nickel or a dime.  For one nickel you could
ride a street car, make a phone call, buy a Pepsi, or enough
stamps to mail one letter and two postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 ... but who could afford one?
A pity, too, because gas was only 11-cents a gallon.

We were certainly not before the difference between the sexes was
discovered, but we were surely before the sex change
... we made do with what we had.

And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you
needed a husband to have a baby!  Can you imagine that?

WHEN I'M A LITTLE OLD LADY


When I'm a little old lady,
I'll live with my children
and bring them great joy.
I'll repay all I've had  from each of my kids
by drawing on walls  and scuffing up floors.
I'll run in and out without closing the door,
hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed,
and whenever they scold me,  I'll hang my head.
I'll run and I'll romp, and fritter away
the time that should be spent doing chores every day.
I'll pester my children when they're on the phone.
As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.
Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer,
and never pick up my clothes from the floor.
Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish,
I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.
I'll plug up the plumbing and flood the floor.
as soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.
When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry,
Kicking and screaming,  not a tear in my eye.
I'll take all their pencils  and flashlights, and then,
when they buy new ones,  I'll take them again.
I'll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal,
Eat my banana and  just drop the peel.
Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor,
I'll break lots of dishes as though I were four.
What fun I shall have, what joy it will be too
Living with my children.... the way they lived with me!

I'M MATURE

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free."

Understand---I'm not old---I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer---can't hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt.)
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray...saying "blonde" is just right.

My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer...get off of the road!"
My car has no scratches...not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."

My friends all get older...much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines," not wrinkles...for sure,
But don't call me old...just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take...your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old...I'm only mature.

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from Arline